Allied Forces (Mommy,
Daddy & Naptime) vs. Lyla
(Consistent &
follow through parenting)
Hello! My name is Jessica and I attended high school
with Kristin (we actually taught a dance class together to small children back
then) and I love reading her blog. She asked me if I’d like to write something
sometime. After our WWIII battle today
at my house, I thought this would be a good topic J. First of all- I am the mother of a very
strong-spirited 2 year old daughter- Lyla and a sweet 6 mos old daughter-Avyn. My husband is an elementary school teacher
and I am a licensed school counselor and a licensed mental health therapist. I
was an elementary school counselor in the public schools for 6 years and worked
in a behavioral health hospital for 9 years.
I resigned from both after Lyla was born and pursued a private
practice. I am currently managing a
part time private practice along with all my mothering duties.
A few
months back I was contacted by the local newspaper to give an ‘expert’ opinion
for an article. I almost told the lady
she should probably call someone else as I am no ‘expert’! As she was asking me
if I’d like to contribute I stopped myself from saying my initial response of
“I’m not an expert,” and thought wait- am I an expert? I’ve never thought of
myself as an expert and no one has ever referred to me as one until now… but
what to do with this newspaper article?
I decided against my urge to tell her I’m not knowledgeable enough and give
it a go. I have since contributed to three
other articles for magazines, papers, etc.
I’m sharing this because in my head I’m really no expert- as this infers
“perfect” and I am a life-long learner and feel there is always more to know.
However, after having a discussion with my best friend about this “expert”
business I came to the realization that after 10 years of working in mental
health primarily with children and parents I guess maybe I am sort of an
“expert”. This is a story however to
show that even a child behavior/development/effect parenting counselor “expert”
isn’t a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination- because perfect
parenting doesn’t exist!!
We have
been struggling with nap time at my house over the past month or so. It started when my 2 year old’s molars began
to appear and went downhill from there.
I am exclusively breastfeeding my 6 month old and my 2 year old nurses
three times a day (morning, nap and bed time) when I am home. Yes call me crazy…
and NO my kid will not be nursing at kindergarten- RELAX! The international recommendation to nurse is
at least 2 years; the average age world wide of weaning is age 3. I could say the toddler has created this
habit (well I actually created it- most child habits are parent created) that
she would nurse for nap time, fall asleep in my arms and as soon as I’d go to
lay her in her crib she would wake up, flail like a fish out of water, scream
and well that’s all folks! Good bye nap time…
I realized today that on Tuesday and Thursdays when I leave for work at
2pm I wouldn’t let her cry very long as I didn’t want her to be in a fit of
emotional rage when my 78 year old great aunt (who taught preschool most of her
life & is VERY sprite for her age) to deal with my daughter screaming in
her crib. So I’d let her cry a few minutes and then go get her. This really backfired in my face over the
last few weeks as she wouldn’t lay down for me.
Now on Saturday I worked all day and MAGICALLY she went down for Daddy
with no fight, no crying and of course no nursing? Well that’s just dandy-makes
me feel wonderful.
So here we are Sunday afternoon-
she woke up early before 7am (oh ya and while she isn’t napping well she is
also getting up early too?) and she’s TIRED at 11am. She usually naps at 12:30 or 1:00. Perfect- since we have a birthday party to
attend this afternoon let’s take an early nap.
She’s all for it- says she wants to go nurse and take a nap- I’m doing
cartwheels. We do our thing- nurse in
the chair for about 10 min (we play one of those music things when it goes off
time for bed). She’s dead asleep in my
arms- I’m thinking- YEAH I can take a shower and get ready and we can leave
when nap time ends (my 6mos old is asleep already). I go to put her down- FLAILING FISH!! I try to put her blanket over her blow her a
kiss and walk out. I go to daddy and
say- see this is what happens. So Daddy
goes up there- talks to Lyla & suggests a book. She buys it- then decides
she wants Mommy to read her the book not Daddy. He says “okay but after the
book you have to go to sleep” and she agrees.
At this point I may interject- making deals with a toddler is FRUITLESS-
never a good idea to bargain with any child especially a toddler. But we ALL do
it from time to time- even an “expert”.
So I go
back in, we sit in the chair and pick out a book- Lyla wants to nurse again
while I read her the book (she’s a nursing addict- she calls my “nursies” the
‘big one’ and the ‘little one’ as we all know one breast is typically slightly
larger than the other and often chooses which one she wants to nurse from at
that moment- weaning her is obviously going to be WWIV). So we read the book- and again I remind her
that when the book is done its nap time.
I mention we have fun things to do this afternoon and she has to take a
nap. Book ends- kisses, hugs, sweet
dreams. She lays down- I walk out- 30 seconds later she’s standing in her crib
(we have a video monitor) SCREAMING! L Daddy went to take a nap, baby Avyn is
napping- screw it I’m taking a shower.
So I take the monitor with me in the bathroom while I shower listening
to Lyla yell: “Mommy I want you right now, I need you right now, I want out of
here, I am not tired, I don’t want to take a nap” etc. This was extremely difficult, as the comforter
in me wanted to jump out of the shower, wet and soapy and just go get her- but
I knew that wasn’t what was needed at this point. For the record I am NOT a supporter of the
cry it out method in babies. I use
attachment theory in a lot of my practice and crying it out is not good for bonding/attachment. However at age 2 years and 3 months it’s very
different. My “expert” suggestion is
don’t let your baby under 12 months cry longer than 10 minutes. At 2 yrs 3 months I had to undo the bad habit
I created which meant letting her cry and I knew it L.
When I
get out of the shower the yelling has slowed down a bit- still going in waves-
like the ocean. Quiet whining, building
up to “I want outta here” to then screaming “I need you Momma” then silence and
we start all over. I decide she needs
to lay down so I’m going to dry my hair which is a huge treat for me since I
don’t ever have time to dry my hair- heck I don’t usually take a shower alone
as Lyla is often with me. While I’m
drying my hair the crying/yelling really slows down and even stops a few
times. I look at the monitor and this
child is of course still standing in her crib holding her blanket and stuffed
animal leaning against the crib rail falling asleep! Her head nods forward her knees to start to
buckle and she slides sideways- then she shakes- wakes up and starts yelling
again! This goes on for probably 10-15
min. Seriously this child is so stubborn
she’s going to fall asleep standing up in her crib- Lord help me. Finally 50 min after the last time I walked
out, 1 hr and 50 min after we started nap time Miss Spirited Lyla finally gives
in, lies down in her crib, covers herself up with her blankie and goes to
SLEEP! Unfortunately she slept less
than an hour but at this point that was but a small loss in a much larger
victory! When she awoke I told her “Thank you so much for taking a nap- don’t
you feel better?” “Mommy needs to do a
better job of making sure you take a nap every day and rest in your crib- sorry
you were sad about taking a nap but it’s what’s best for you.”
So what
to learn here: 1. Parents create bad habits in kids- not kids. Accept it and admit it- we all do it! 2. I really wanted to go get her when she was
screaming that she needed me, but I knew we had to figure out this nap time battle
and this is one I had to win. 3. I
wasn’t following through with what I said over the last few weeks and I needed
to mean what I say, and say what I mean. 4. Always empathize with your kids- EX: “I’m sorry you’re mad but you can’t have a 2nd
cookie”. You are validating their
feelings; which makes them feel understood by you. You are giving them a word
for their feelings which will help them communicate it later in life. But,
don’t give in. Effective parenting is
labeling and validating feelings but not giving in when you’ve set a boundary
or said no.
The
Allied Forces won this battle- but rest assured it won’t be the last, and with
Lyla’s strong-willed spirit she will win a few!
All parents make mistakes; all parents create bad habits in their kids and
then get frustrated with their child about it- even “expert” parents! The key is to realize your part in it, fix it
and stand your ground even when it hurts your heart. Parenting is hard- but
admitting your mistakes to yourself and to your children is what fixes all
those darn parenting mistakes we make! Make your goal to be a loving effective parent J not a perfect one!
Thank you Jessica for a wonderful post! I gotta say it does feel good to know even an
“expert” is at a loss at times. If any
other followers of Nuts of the Round Table would like to be a guest blogger please
contact me. We can all learn from each
other; whether it be about new recipes, parenting, caregiving, green living, or
just plan living; and it just feels good to be heard or find someone you relate
with!
Today, choose love!
Kristin
