Well hello all! I know it has been
forever but I am letting go of that too. I am tired; tired of anxiety
over things I do not have to be worried about. I am on a mission to save
myself from myself! So let’s get started and maybe I can help you too!
So yesterday was Mother's Day, my 4th one.
As I was getting ready to go spend time with my family, I studied myself
in the mirror. This is usually an unhappy event that includes beating
myself up over every flaw I see or think I see. I know I am not alone
here. Getting as close as I can to the mirror to try to see how I can
cover that up or what else I need to find a way to fix. I was getting
more and more upset as I noticed the acne that is coming back on my face, that
big bump in my nose, and all the lumpy bumpy overweight parts. I honestly
felt like I couldn't find a good spot anywhere. So I went about the task
of putting on all kinds of products and makeup to try to look better.
Then the even harder task of finding some clothes that might conceal the
post baby (7 month old baby) body I loathed.
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| My and my post baby body and 7 month old on Mother's Day 2014. |
As I was mentally tearing myself a new one, I
thought about each of my boys. 4 years ago I was pregnant with my first
son Coen. Of course at that time I did not know he was a he. We
wanted to be surprised again. See just about 9 months before we told we
were not going to be able to have children naturally.
I remember it like it
was yesterday. I lay on that cold metal table as they shot me full of
some dye to see if my one and only fallopian tube was 100% blocked.
That's right I had also found out shortly before that my body only
contained one fallopian tube and one ovary. The Radiologist turned and
looked at me as my lady parts were exposed and I was in terrible pain from the
procedure and said, "Well I guess you will have to talk with your Dr.
about IVF," and left the room. I held it together as long as I could
and when I saw my husband, who was not allowed to go back with me, I lost it.
This body had let me down again and this time it let my husband down too. (To read more about this see my blog post Babies, Babies everywhere!)
I spent a good deal of time being so angry
with my body. See I have always regarded my body and my mind or soul as
separate. It is me against it. So I did what many people do, I ate
my anger and my sorrow until I got up to 185lbs. But somewhere along that
line I got back up on my feet and decided to stop fighting this body and try to
work with it and IVF. 2 weeks before we were to go in for our first
consultation God showed me this body has no mistakes. I was pregnant.
But even more important than the miracle God had made with us was
the gift of renewed faith. A reminder
that above all of this, God loves us and really does have a plan for us.
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| Me three weeks before my second son was born. |
This was His plan to
show me this body doesn’t have mistakes because He doesn’t make mistakes. This, flawed in my eyes body, against all
odds made and carried two perfect boys.
How can I be mad at that? And how
can I say and truly believe in my mind, that they are perfect and still think
that God, the same Amazing God who created them, could create a horribly flawed
body? I mean, I have never regarded
those with disabilities or scars as ugly or a mistake. From all of the people
and families I have met working with people with disabilities (or as I really
prefer to say, people with different abilities) I know at some point the
majority realize they are not a mistake and that they are each beautiful and
perfect in just the way they were specially made.
So how did I let all
this mean and evil talk creep back in? Lots
of things I’m sure but I am not going to waste time right now analyzing all of
them, but we will get there because it is important to know what drives us to
that place in order to know how to U-turn from it.
I had always thought if
I had a daughter I was going to have to be positive for her so she would never
feel the way I did. When I had boys, I
figured well whatever they won’t pay any attention to what I say and do about
my body. Boys don’t care. What a crock!
If they are going to be self-confident and treat others as though all of
our “packages” (no, I am not taking about what you’ve got in your pants) are
beautiful and deserve respect, then it needs to start from home.
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| I want to be that carefree with my body again! |
Right now these boys
believe they are beautiful and perfect because they hear it from the people who
loved them every day. And you know what
I am going to keep telling them. I know
there are those people who will say telling them that will label them and make
things difficult psychologically. Oh phooey
I say! The world will spend the rest of
their lives and mine telling them they are anything but perfect.
And I am guessing no God
who is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving would be pleased if you hated
on the gifts you were given. “Kristin, so your time is up. Let’s look at how you treated these precious
gifts I gave you. You physically and
emotionally abused your body? The body I
made for you?” I am guess that won’t go
over very well.
Well that’s it then. I am going to just think I am beautiful and
perfect all the time and fairies and unicorns are going to prance from each of
my former flaws! Yeah, no. No, one can turn it off just like that. But I want to prove to myself and others that
I can work on turning my thoughts and feeling toward my body around. This is the beginning of this journey. I want to look at the things I have struggled
with and why. Am I going to give up
makeup and my hiding clothes? No. If something makes me feel good about me and
won’t be hurtful I am going to embrace it.
I want to be healthy and happy with me inside and out.
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| Me with makeup and "good" lighting. I actually said to myself, "Self you look good today!" Let's get more of that, less of, "You fatty put those |
So here we go. I encourage you to share your story. To be honest with yourself. I accept and welcome comments. I know that not everyone will have kind
things to say but I ask that no one make rude comments to others.
And if anyone was
looking for recipes, humor, stuff about kids, Pinterest posts, and the stuff I
blogged about before don’t worry there will still be plenty of that too. So if you like what you are reading please
follow, share, and like my blog!
Today choose love,
Kristin
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| No makeup fresh out of the shower! This is gonna be a challenge! |
I am very proud of what you have written here. For myself, there was a time that things that I didn't like about my physical self would have bothered me, but when you start going bald in your early 20's you either have to do something about it or embrace it. I chose to embrace it and haven't regretted it. Seeing my fro from the 70's recently made it abundantly clear that I made the right choice. Plus graying in my beard later in life has set if off pretty well. My imperfections are no more than the best me I have.
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