Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Let It Go...no this is not a post about the movie Frozen...but that movie is awesome!

     Well hello all!  I know it has been forever but I am letting go of that too.  I am tired; tired of anxiety over things I do not have to be worried about.  I am on a mission to save myself from myself!  So let’s get started and maybe I can help you too!
     So yesterday was Mother's Day, my 4th one.  As I was getting ready to go spend time with my family, I studied myself in the mirror.  This is usually an unhappy event that includes beating myself up over every flaw I see or think I see.  I know I am not alone here.  Getting as close as I can to the mirror to try to see how I can cover that up or what else I need to find a way to fix.  I was getting more and more upset as I noticed the acne that is coming back on my face, that big bump in my nose, and all the lumpy bumpy overweight parts.  I honestly felt like I couldn't find a good spot anywhere.  So I went about the task of putting on all kinds of products and makeup to try to look better.  Then the even harder task of finding some clothes that might conceal the post baby (7 month old baby) body I loathed.
My and my post baby body and 7
month old on Mother's Day 2014.

     As I was mentally tearing myself a new one, I thought about each of my boys.  4 years ago I was pregnant with my first son Coen.  Of course at that time I did not know he was a he.  We wanted to be surprised again.  See just about 9 months before we told we were not going to be able to have children naturally.
     I remember it like it was yesterday.  I lay on that cold metal table as they shot me full of some dye to see if my one and only fallopian tube was 100% blocked.  That's right I had also found out shortly before that my body only contained one fallopian tube and one ovary.  The Radiologist turned and looked at me as my lady parts were exposed and I was in terrible pain from the procedure and said, "Well I guess you will have to talk with your Dr. about IVF," and left the room.  I held it together as long as I could and when I saw my husband, who was not allowed to go back with me, I lost it.  This body had let me down again and this time it let my husband down too.  (To read more about this see my blog post Babies, Babies everywhere!)
     I spent a good deal of time being so angry with my body.   See I have always regarded my body and my mind or soul as separate.  It is me against it.  So I did what many people do, I ate my anger and my sorrow until I got up to 185lbs.  But somewhere along that line I got back up on my feet and decided to stop fighting this body and try to work with it and IVF.  2 weeks before we were to go in for our first consultation God showed me this body has no mistakes.  I was pregnant.  But even more important than the miracle God had made with us was the gift of renewed faith.  A reminder that above all of this, God loves us and really does have a plan for us.
Me three weeks before my second son was born.
     This was His plan to show me this body doesn’t have mistakes because He doesn’t make mistakes.  This, flawed in my eyes body, against all odds made and carried two perfect boys.  How can I be mad at that?  And how can I say and truly believe in my mind, that they are perfect and still think that God, the same Amazing God who created them, could create a horribly flawed body?  I mean, I have never regarded those with disabilities or scars as ugly or a mistake. From all of the people and families I have met working with people with disabilities (or as I really prefer to say, people with different abilities) I know at some point the majority realize they are not a mistake and that they are each beautiful and perfect in just the way they were specially made. 
     So how did I let all this mean and evil talk creep back in?  Lots of things I’m sure but I am not going to waste time right now analyzing all of them, but we will get there because it is important to know what drives us to that place in order to know how to U-turn from it. 
     I had always thought if I had a daughter I was going to have to be positive for her so she would never feel the way I did.  When I had boys, I figured well whatever they won’t pay any attention to what I say and do about my body.  Boys don’t care.  What a crock!  If they are going to be self-confident and treat others as though all of our “packages” (no, I am not taking about what you’ve got in your pants) are beautiful and deserve respect, then it needs to start from home.
I want to be that carefree with my body again!

     Right now these boys believe they are beautiful and perfect because they hear it from the people who loved them every day.  And you know what I am going to keep telling them.  I know there are those people who will say telling them that will label them and make things difficult psychologically.  Oh phooey I say!  The world will spend the rest of their lives and mine telling them they are anything but perfect. 
    And I am guessing no God who is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving would be pleased if you hated on the gifts you were given. “Kristin, so your time is up.  Let’s look at how you treated these precious gifts I gave you.  You physically and emotionally abused your body?  The body I made for you?”  I am guess that won’t go over very well.
   Well that’s it then.  I am going to just think I am beautiful and perfect all the time and fairies and unicorns are going to prance from each of my former flaws!  Yeah, no.  No, one can turn it off just like that.  But I want to prove to myself and others that I can work on turning my thoughts and feeling toward my body around.  This is the beginning of this journey.  I want to look at the things I have struggled with and why.  Am I going to give up makeup and my hiding clothes?  No.  If something makes me feel good about me and won’t be hurtful I am going to embrace it.  I want to be healthy and happy with me inside and out. 
Me with makeup and "good" lighting.  I actually said to myself,
 "Self you look good today!"  Let's get more of that, less of, "You fatty put those
So here we go.  I encourage you to share your story.  To be honest with yourself.   I accept and welcome comments.  I know that not everyone will have kind things to say but I ask that no one make rude comments to others. 
And if anyone was looking for recipes, humor, stuff about kids, Pinterest posts, and the stuff I blogged about before don’t worry there will still be plenty of that too.  So if you like what you are reading please follow, share, and like my blog!

Today choose love,

No makeup fresh out of the shower!
 This is gonna be a challenge!

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